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| TEP TEST® （早稲田大学―ミシガン大学テクニカルライティング検定試験） |
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主催：日本テクニカルコミュニケーション協会
後援：アメリカ大使館／日本商工会議所／ジャパンタイムズ
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| 《第35回出題》 1級解答 |
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1.SUMMARY(20 minutes)
Summarize the following English text into Japanese. |
(200文字以内) |
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ミシガン大学は超音波コントラスト心臓検査法（MCE）の開発により国際的評価を得ている。MCEは微小気泡のコントラスト剤を血管に注入し、超音波映像によって血流と心臓の働きを見、問題点を発見する。MCEは無痛で安全、そして経済的である。さらに、ポータブルなので患者のベッドサイドで検査できる。ミシガン南部では本大学がこの技術を研究している唯一の施設です。MCEに興味がある方はヴァナン医師にご連絡を。電話番号は…。
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2. EDITING (30 minutes)
Revise and edit the following material so that it incorporates effective
content, structure, and style. Do not limit yourself to mere stylistic
revision; rethink the content and arrangement as well. |
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Three Typical Paragraphing Problems
TEP TEST 35 requires candidates to revise and edit the following
"paragraph," which describes experimental efforts to resolve
a problem:
In the instructions to TEP TEST 35, candidates are told not to limit
themselves to mere stylistic revision but to rethink the content and structure
as well. Here, it is easy to revise the paragraph if you simply recognize
three main problems in the original text. These are narrative structure,
lack of separation among different types of information, and ineffective
"flow" from sentence to sentence.
The problem with storytelling
The central problem in the original paragraph is one frequently found
in technical documents. It is a problem which results from the fact that
technical report writers naturally find it tempting when they write to
retell the events through which they have lived. That is, they tell the
story of their technical work just as they have experienced it. "First
I did this; next I did that; then I tried this alternative; then I tried
that alternative; and finally I arrived at this recommended solution."
It is a tempting and easy-to-use organization for writers, but it is an
inefficient and indirect organization for readers. That is true on the
report level, but it is also true on the paragraph level.
We sometimes joke about this frequent approach by describing it as
"the dark and stormy night" approach favored by writers of mystery
stories and television shows, an approach that maintains the suspense as
long as possible. Like a mystery novel, the passage begins at the beginning:
the fan was making a ticking noise. What did we do about it? Well, first
we documented the noise. Next, we tried to lessen the noise by … and so
on. The passage merely tells the story of how the problem of fan noise
was researched and how three alternative solutions fared in testing. The
solutions are ordered in the sequence actually followed---starting with
the easiest solution, moving to the next most easy, and finally arriving
at the most substantial of the solutions, a process of elimination. Not
surprisingly, then, the writer holds the ultimate solution until the very
end and then recommends it.
Looking at this strategy from the perspective of the technical work
itself, the strategy makes sense. We almost always move from particular
to general in doing technical work. However, looking at this strategy from
the perspective of the report, the strategy is inefficient and indirect.
Technical reports are more effective if they move from general to particular,
as we have said many times in these TEP TEST essays and elsewhere. Readers
crave generalizations to help them understand what is coming; writers who
deny readers those generalizations force readers to move slowly and to
make inferences which sometimes are difficult to make.
One thing to do, then, is to turn the paragraph around. Start with
an overview that establishes the problem and the recommended solution.
Then show how that solution was supported in testing.
The problem of mixed types of information
A second problem in the original text is that it has a rather unclear
"plot" other than storytelling.
This is because the writer mixes several quite different types of information. He defines a problem; he describes the set-up of instrumentation to solve the problem; he describes the methodology of using that instrumentation; he describes three different iterations of tests; and finally, he makes a recommendation.
In a simple sense, the writer has covered the entire problem-solving
process: identify the problem, document the problem, develop solutions
to the problem, test the solutions, choose the most effective one. Yet
he has mixed all of that into one paragraph rather ineffectively.
It would help if the writer separated the main elements of his account
more clearly. One possibility is to signal the shift in types of information
simply by dividing the "paragraph" into sub-paragraphs. Another
possibility is to use sub-headings to mark the transition points and to
signal the type of content to be covered in each sub-section of the paragraph.
Or it would be possible to maintain the one-paragraph division but to make
the transition points more clear when the type of information is shifted.(Notice,
for example, how the word "first" appears as a transitional connective
three times in the paragraph. For most readers, this repetition seems odd
and awkward. The problem is that the type of information has shifted abruptly
at these points.)
Any of these solutions to divide the paragraph into its component
parts would work better than the present version of the paragraph.
The problem of "flow"
As we have indicated elsewhere, the flow of a text is often the result
of either of two simple techniques. The first of these is maintaining subject
focus from sentence to sentence by such strategies as direct repetition
of the subject, use of a shortened version of the subject, use of a synonym
for the subject, or use of a pronoun equivalent of the subject. The second
technique is shifting subject focus purposefully from sentence to sentence
by moving a noun from a prior sentence---often the sentence's object---into
the subject slot of the next sentence.
An example of the first technique is as follows: "Twenty four
samples of the new Adhere-flex backed labels were prepared. Each sample
was cut to measure six inches by three inches. All samples were then affixed
to 1-foot squares of the same painted sheet steel used on our motor housings."
An example of the second technique is as follows: "The tests
performed were the cold cranking amps test(CCA) and the reserve capacity
test(RC). The CCA test showed that the Track Professional battery greatly
surpassed the performance of its three competitors; however, the RC test
showed almost no difference among the four batteries tested."
In the exercise paragraph, we find almost no use of either of these
two types of connections from sentence to sentence. Rather, the writer
abruptly shifts focus with almost every new sentence, a technique that
lessens the flow of the passage from sentence to sentence. (To see how
much the writer jumps around, try underlining the grammatical subjects
of all the sentences. Notice how infrequently there is any precedent for
the subject of any sentence in the prior sentence.)
An important strategy for editing this passage, then, would be to
improve the flow of the idea from sentence to sentence. The two techniques
mentioned above are easy to apply, and most TEP TEST candidates can easily
use them to improve the flow.
But there is another feature of the original paragraph to notice
in relation to this issue of "flow". It has to do with the length
and type of sentences and the lack of variation either in length or type.
Look closely at the style of the original passage. To us, on first
reading, the passage seemed clear but "choppy" and somewhat disconnected.
True, each sentence was clear by itself, but there seemed to be relatively
few connections among the sentences. It was as if each sentence was a fragment
of fact that, as readers, we were being asked to assemble into a coherent
text.
The lack of subject focus is part of the explanation, but there is
another factor to notice as well.
Of the 25 sentences, all but one are simple sentences(the exception
is a compound sentence, essentially two simple sentences joined by a coordinating
conjunction.) The sentences range in length from 4 words to 22 words---unusually
short; in fact, they average just 11.7 words per sentence. More importantly,
the passage has relatively little variety in sentence lengths: eight of
the sentences are under 10 words long; twelve are between 10 and 15 words
long; only four are between 16 and 20 words long; and only one sentence
is over 20 words---22 words, in fact.
In short, the writer relies on a staccato sequence of very short,
simple sentences. He makes now effort to link the sentences by techniques
such a subordination, coordination, embedding, or use of connective devices.
Nor does he make any attempt to reduce a sentence to a phrase or a word,
as one can often do. The result is a rather disconnected text which is
understandable yet halting. It is a style sometimes called a "Dick
and Jane" style, the style writing that we associate with books for
children.
In passing, we might mention a possible analog in the writing of
some non-native English speakers. Because they are so focused upon the
vocabulary and grammar of the second language, non-native English speakers
sometimes also rely upon excessively short, simple sentences with little
variety in length or grammatical complexity, just as the writer of the
sample paragraph did. He was a native English speaker, but his style is
similar to the style we see among some non-native English speakers. You
might remember the unintended effect of a series of excessively short,
simple sentences when you edit.
Sample Rewrite:
A rewritten version of the paragraph generally resolves the three
problems discussed above. We think you will find it an improvement:
Reducing the fan noise problem of the AN808: results of testing
The acoustical performance of the AN808 heater-air conditioner unit
is poor at low fan settings. Field tests have shown that the fan makes
an annoying "ticking" noise at low fan settings, although at
higher settings, the normal air rush noise of the system obscures the fan's
noise. To identify a solution to this noise problem, we conducted acoustical
tests on three fan covers which have been proposed as possible solutions
to the noise problem. These tests revealed that a plastic fan cover lined
inside with acoustical foam will absorb the fan's noise and significantly
reduce the sound measured near the driver's ear. This fan cover is therefore
the recommended solution.
Test set-up: In an anechoic chamber, two microphones were positioned
to measure and record the fan's noise levels at different fan settings.
These microphones were located directly beside the fan ( a worst-case scenario)
and near the driver's ear ( a realistic simulation of what drivers would
actually hear while driving the car with the fan in operation).
Test method: Four sets of measurements were taken. First, baseline
measurements were taken with the fan in operation at its full range of
different settings. Next, measurements were taken at these same fan settings
on three proposed blower motor covers which have been proposed as possible
solutions to the fan noise problem: a simple plastic cover, a plastic cover
lined inside with a thin layer of sanoprene, and a plastic cover lined
with acoustical foam.
Test results: Only the plastic cover lined with acoustical foam significantly
reduced noise both at the motor itself and near the driver's ear. The simple
plastic cover actually worsened the problem by allowing noise to reverberate
and to be carried back through the duct system. The sanoprene-lined cover
reduced the measured noise but not to a sufficient degree that it would
be audibly reduced for a driver.
Recommendations: 1. Further evaluate the acoustic lined cover for
cost and ease of manufacturing. If the proposed cove proves to be a cost-effective
solution, consider approving it for use in production. 2. Drop further
evaluation of both the plastic cover and the sanopene-lined cover.
A final comment:
Among the paragraphs which we have used for this TEP TEST exercise
in the past, the original paragraph is probably easier to understand than
some because it used simple vocabulary and simple syntax. However, remember
that simple style is not the most important issue to be concerned about
in your editing. The structure and organization of the text are fundamentally
more important. Accordingly, among our three suggestions for editing the
original text, we think the first two are the most important for you to
try here and elsewhere in your editing.
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| 3. COMPOSITION (70 minutes) |
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Writhing for the Record
TEP TEST 35 requires candidates to write a memorandum recommending
candidates to interview for an open job position. Such a document is both
an action-oriented communication and a written record of decision making
that will be kept as part of a legally significant documentary record inside
a company. As such, it presents an interesting challenge for TEP TEST candidates.
The cultural component of this exercise
In responding to this exercise, TEP TEST candidates may recognize
that there are indeed differences in the way hirings are carried out in
the United States and the way they are handled in Japan. Many of these
differences are attributable to the fact that American companies tend to
hire people with the assumption that the candidates are already trained
and experienced in the specific role to which they are being hired. In
Japan, however, hiring authorities are much more willing to hire people
with the assumption that new-hires, although educated and perhaps experienced,
may not yet be experienced in a specific role to which they will be assigned
in the company. Once hired, the Japanese new-hires will be trained inside
the company that hires them---often over a long period of time and often
in a variety of roles so that they come to be expert in a wide range of
areas. American new hires, on the other hand, often have little training
inside the company and are assumed to be specialists in some specific area
into which they are hired. Awareness of this cultural difference between
searching for the specialist and searching for the generalist is a factor
that may affect how TEP TEST candidates approach this assignment.
Another cultural component in this assignment is that the hiring
process is governed in the United States by a number of legal requirements
such as open posting of positions; evaluation of candidates based upon
stated criteria; consideration of only relevant qualifications; and exclusion
of such non-relevant factors as physical appearance, age, race, or gender.
A final cultural element in the process of hiring in the US is that
most of the early stages of the decision-making process are delegated in
US companies. That is, a screening decision is made by a single person
or by a committee to eliminate as many of the applicants as possible. In
that sense, the hiring process is de-selective; a "short list"
of candidates is developed by deselecting as many candidates as possible.
Usually, this screening is done by lower level employees or by the Personnel
Office, and a manager who makes hiring decisions never even sees the paperwork
for the discarded applicants. From the short-list of candidates only a
few will be interviewed. The others will be de-selected by the decision
maker, a department head or manager, but not by someone in Personnel. (
The Personnel Office can make hiring decisions only about hourly workers
in most companies. All other hiring decisions are made by unit managers.)
We recognize that these cultural elements underlie some aspects of
this assignment. Accordingly, in the instructions for the assignments we
attempted to draw your attention specifically to some of the unique requirements
of the hiring process in the United States. In particular, we tried to
emphasize the criteria and to indicate the legal constraints that govern
hiring in the US. If we were giving this same test to native English-speakers,
probably we would omit some of that explanation, assuming that candidates
already know how hiring would be done in the situation described.
To whom to send the memorandum?
The unit manager---that is, the decision maker for hiring decisions---is
the principal recipient for this memo. However, there are two other likely
recipients. These are the departmental file and Minerva Meyers, the current
holder of the position which is being refilled.
In the first case, it is essential for the department to retain a
clear record of all hiring decisions. That is because affirmative action
requirements and equal employment opportunity requirements in hiring both
demand a detailed print record. Otherwise, the company would be risking
lawsuits based upon the allegation that the hiring process was legally
flawed.
As for Minerva Meyers, sending her a copy is not necessary, but it
is a courtesy to keep her informed. Moreover, depending upon the circumstances,
most often Ms. Meyers would be invited to participate in the interviews
and would be consulted on the hiring decisions. If she has been a valued
employee, her advice will be sought and listened to carefully. After all,
she is in a better position to know the job requirements than the decision-maker
may be. Therefore, it is likely that she will be involved.
How should the memo be structured?
First, the memo must contain the specific recommendation of the writer.
The main question is whom shall we interview? (As short a list as possible.
Interview none of them if the candidates are unsuitable.) Whom shall we
deselect? (i.e., notify these applicants they are no longer being considered).
And whom might we wish to retain in the file for other open positions if
not for this position? Presenting the answers to these questions along
with some introductory background will be the main purposes of the first
paragraph(s) of this memo. The answers are the "executive summary"
or "overview" of the memo.
After the presentation of the answers to the key questions, the memo
will include justification for the decisions that the answers reflect.
That is, why should we interview the candidates recommended? Why should
we discard the candidates judged to be of no further interest? Why should
we retain any candidates in a pool for the future?
This justification might be structured entirely in terms of the names
of the candidates, grouping them under headings reflecting the decisions(e.g.,
"Interview these;" "discard these;" "retain these
for future consideration.") For each group of candidates or individual
candidate, the memo would present a justification for the relevant decision.
It would be based entirely upon a close reading of the print records of
the job posting and the resumes submitted to it. It might also include
record of phone calls initiated to check up on recommendations, although
such calls are usually delayed until a short list of candidates has been
developed. The job posting and the resume are the key documents at this
point.
After the justification of the recommendations, two other forms of
documentation will almost certainly be attached to the memorandum. One
is the job notice or posting. That is, what have we advertised to be the
position and its requirements? This job notice is part of the written record
of the hiring and needs to be retained for legal reasons. The other useful
part of the written record consists of the resumes of the applicants (all
applicants). Again, for legal reasons, it is important to have a print
record of the hiring process.
You may have anticipated our next point. Your memorandum itself will
become part of the written record of this hiring. Accordingly, it should
be treated with tact, with politeness, and with a degree of formality.
It should not be treated as a casual or private document. It may become
a public document in the event of future legal inquiry.
The issue of criteria
No matter how you choose to organize the memorandum's discussion,
a key issue is that your justification of the decision be based upon the
criteria posted for the hiring. No other justifications will be appropriate
to mention. Moreover, it is important that your discussion of criteria
reflect a thoughtful evaluation of what the most important qualifications
are for the position. This means you must identify criteria that are essential,
distinguishing them from those that are merely desirable. Sometimes the
job notice will do this for you, but in the case here, the job notice merely
lists all criteria in a single list, as if they were equally important.
Clearly, they are not equally important (typing speed, for example, is
a minor issue while supervisory experience or accounting skill are essential
criteria.) You can embed your discussion of criteria in your discussion
of individual candidates, or you can (as in the example below) separately
discuss the issue of your criteria. However, in the end it is essential
that you explain precisely why you made the decisions you have presented
in your overview section.
Sample Reports
This is based upon an actual hiring in which we participated ourselves,
and is a fairly typical example of this type of report.
1 November xxxx
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Dr. Philip Anderson, Chair, Training Department |
| From: |
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Your name, Project Manager |
| Subject: |
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Applicants for Administrative Assistant position: Recommendations for next steps in the hiring process |
| Copies: |
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Department file
Ms. Minerva Meyers, Administrative Assistant |
| Attachments: |
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Job posting
Resumes of applicants arranged by categories (interview, keep, drop) |
The retirement of Ms. Minerva Meyers, our long-time Administrative
Assistant, requires that we soon have a new person in place to supervise
our clerical staff. To date, the position has been posted, and we received
a total of fifteen applications. Having completed my evaluation of these
applicants in terms of the relevant criteria, in this memorandum I present
and explain my recommendations for the next actions to be taken.
Recommendations:
1. Arrange face-to-face interviews with three of the fifteen candidates,
specifically Betty Caton, Ann Aaron, and Ellen Foote(in that order).
2. Notify one of the remaining candidates ( Ms. Elizabeth Orange)
that, although she was not selected for further consideration for the current
position, we were impressed with her credentials and would like to keep
her application on file for future consideration for other positions.
3. Thank the remaining eleven candidates and inform them that they
have not been selected for further consideration for this position.
The Criteria: What are the important issues?
In the job notice, we listed eleven criteria as desirable (see attached
job posting). Obviously, not all of these criteria are equally significant,
nor was it likely that any of the applicants might have an equally high
score on all of these criteria. Accordingly, I have put my greatest emphasis
on what I see to be the key responsibilities of the position. That is,
the new person must be able to supervise the clerical staff, do the department's
accounting, implement the company's policies, communicate both internally
and externally, and coordinate conferences. Accordingly, I gave priority
to experienced supervisors with strong accounting skills and communication
skills. Further, I looked for candidates who already familiar with Syntron's
policies and procedures on the basis of prior employment or current employment.
And finally, I gave priority to candidates with conference coordination
experience. Other issues, such as typing speed, familiarity with hardware
or software, academic qualification, or prior experience in a similar department
were of considerably less significance in my decisions.
My evaluations:
Among the applicants, there were only three who met my key criteria.
They were (in a descending order of desirability) Betty Caton, Ann Aaron,
and Ellen Foot. All three of these applicants should be interviewed. Of
them, I rate Ms. Caton the highest because of she meets all eleven of our
criteria, including experience in a similar department within Syntron.
Ms. Aaron is nearly as well qualified, lacking only experience in a similar
department. Ms. Foot appears to be a highly qualified candidate, her only
limitation being that she is not familiar with Syntron policy, never having
worked for Syntron before. In all other respects she appears to be a strong
applicant who merits further consideration.
One of the remaining candidates, Ms. Elizabeth Orange, appears sufficiently
strong that we should thank her and inform her that although we did not
decide to consider her further for this position, we would like to keep
her r?sum? on file for future consideration for other open positions. She
has no experience within Syntron, only limited conference coordination
experience, and lacks accounting experience, but in all the respects she
is an experienced clerical supervisor who may be of use to us in the future,
especially in a job with a slightly lower classification.
All eleven of the remaining candidates appeared to be not strong
enough to merit either interview or retention for further consideration.
Accordingly, I recommend that they be thanked and notified that they are
no longer under consideration.
I have attached all of the r?sum?s for your consideration, grouping
them by category so that you can quickly review them in light of my recommendations.
Thank you for the opportunity to present my recommendations. I would
be happy to discuss my evaluations on individual candidates further at
your convenience.
(Note: attachments omitted in this example memorandum) |
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